I would like to say that I have finally been awakened. I knew that the outside world was full of chaos, pain and suffering, loneliness, a lack of justice, idiocy, poverty (of the body and soul), violence, but also unity, joy, brilliance, courage, peace, understanding, positive change and so on. I was indulging in my unchanging state of ignorance where I imagined there to be nothing but peace and love. Why is there so much oppression and violence? Why are people not treated as people? Why do some fight hate with hate? Why are many not saying anything? When I was wasting away in my own world of perfect harmony (far from it, but compared to the condition of the rest of the world…). None of these questions came to my mind, at least not to where I could clearly comprehend them. I was hiding from all that I wanted to change, but felt like my voice was so small and insignificant that it would have little to no affect. However, I have realized that the question I should constantly be asking is: How do I expect peace and love when I’m not giving myself or anyone else a voice? Sometimes that voice won’t speak any words, but will be universally understood as the language of “The People”. How did I come to this realization? I became a Catholic Worker.
About 9 months ago I moved into a homeless shelter/soup kitchen/House of Hospitality that serves the population that is among the “poor and marginalized”. Anyone can come in to get a meal, take a shower, do a load of laundry, receive clothes, get assistance for DSS services, find a friend to talk to and so on. The Catholic Worker Movement also works towards social justice so activism is an integral part of it, in which I have also spiritedly participated (a topic put into more specific detail at a another time). I believe that I have been transformed by this work. I have been expecting to “get thicker skin” like people continuously tell me to do (just one of those sensitive types). But the truth is I’ve gotten softer. I’ve never been able to build such a foundational love and compassion for someone, especially someone I don’t know and who may not be be viewed as someone “safe” in typical social situations. Therefore, I also try to take the time to understand how people arrived at their current situation and acknowledge sorrow, loneliness, fear, anger, and heartache. I often find myself hoping that somehow I can relieve the immediate stress off of an individual who does not have their basic needs covered. However, it’s hardly ever that easy, but there has to be joy and hope.
Now, don’t mistake me for someone who has reached saintly status nor will I ever get there. I like to refer to myself as a reformed sinner. Actually, I’m a reforming sinner. I still make assumptions, lose control of my anger, stress myself and others out, make insensitive comments, struggle to communicate my feelings clearly, I isolate myself, I lose focus of the work etc. Stating that I know I have some characteristics that need work does not mean that I don’t have good self-esteem. It is letting humility create space for me to be human. This humility is ESSENTIAL for me to accept if I truly want to positively influence others and grow continuously. It can be tedious for me to be humbled when I’m not ready to let go of my resentment against someone calling me out during those times when I fall short. However, when I “let go and let God” I remember that I can only improve myself by accepting that I’ve made a mistake and learning from it.
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In love and solidarity,
Anne K. Horras